I Need to Unwind...

First, I know I didn't publish the letter to the church or some other thoughts. But I'll get there...

So I just got back from the presbytery meeting, and I have no idea why I was looking forward to it in the first place, because it conjured up emotions and thoughts (which are never fun for me and anyone who has to deal with me. First, they interviewed a candidate for ministry tonight. First, it made me anxious about my own process in that I just want to be done instead of jumping through the hoops that make up the PCUSA's ordination process. Secondly, it made me think about what cards I'm going to show the presbytery, because, let's face it, I don't know what I believe anymore.

My dad said it right when he told me that "Opinions are like a**holes. Everybody has one and they usually stink." I cannot and do not feel inclined to argue with people. I've grow to hate argument. It always turns into a battle and frankly, there is never a winner. People feel way more adamant about most things than I do, and I usually just let them talk. Really, inside of me, I don't have an answer. I just live in the tension.

This became painfully obvious when my nineteen year old brother asked me last night, "So what is it you believe anyway." He summed up the whole question in, "Do you want more government or less?" Frankly, I don't think in those terms, nor do I think in extremes. I think in spectrums, since they reflect reality. But his question made me laugh because it is the question of so many with whom I come in contact: Whose side are you on, anyway?

People just want an answer, but if they ask me, they've come to the wrong person for an answer. I don't have one. I do have core beliefs that I will not dispense with, but I just don't have an answer. And I never force my beliefs on anyone else. Instead I listen and ask questions. But I don't have answers. Take the homosexuality issue: I have a group of people in my life that demand me to basically say, "The Bible says its a sin. Therefore, it is a sin. Case closed." Others want me to say, "It's not a sin. The Bible is speaking to a particular time and place only." I have friends and acquaintances who are gay. I've heard the stories of their struggles and the freedom that came in realizing who they are. I know of others who "struggled" with homosexual attractions, and still do, but have gone on to heterosexual relationships. The experiences of some say that it doesn't work. The experiences of others say it can. The Bible tells us to love one another and not to judge. Yet it also condemns this practice. But is that for all times or is it cultural? Did Paul envision monogamous homosexual relationships as sin also, even though these were uncommon before now? Why would it be prohibited anyway?

You know what, I have no answer to these questions. People want me to declare I'm a liberal or a conservative. They would be happier knowing if I was "in their camp or not." But you know what? To hell with the labeling and the politics. To hell with the fact that people demand an answer from me. You know why? Because my beliefs and my conscience are captive only to the Word of God, that is, Jesus Christ. And beyond that, I would rather walk humbly and choose beliefs based on informed knowledge and consistency rather than party politics or church politics.

It all boils down to the question of truth. Is there such a thing as truth? Is there absolute and/or universal truth? What is truth? You know, Pilate asked Jesus that very question. Jesus said to him, "You are right in saying I am a king. In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me." "What is truth?" Pilate asked. Jesus does not answer, or if He did, it is not told to us. Either way, he already defined truth. He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life."

The truth is that Jesus is truth. Jesus reveals to us what is true. And so for me, with this whole issue, and every other issue, I take my cues from Jesus. Here's a man who associated with the lowest of the low in society: pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, drunks, deadbeats, gays, lesbians, transgendered...oh wait, wrong culture...well, you get the drift. Still, He loved them. He had compassion on them. Yet he gave them the kind and loving words of "Go and sin no more." No altar call. No confession. Just "Go and sin no more." In essence, that's the whole point: He gave them a second chance, He loved them, and He welcomed them. But He didn't leave their lives untouched and unchanged.

As I think about all the conversations I've had about this issue in the last week and a half, I am reminded of what Paul, the "homophobe" had to say after he supposedly condemns homosexuality in one place. He says, "And that's what some of you were. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God." What do you make of this? Simple. God's grace is enough. And whether you are gay or straight, whether you cheat or steal or envy or sleep around, the truth is that the Christian faith is one of new beginnings. To me, knowing and experiencing that would be far more liberating than any other experience you could have, because no matter what bugs you, you can walk away. Sure, you still struggle. Sure, you still endure it. But you can walk away. You can choose to walk away. You may not choose to take on the burden, but you can leave it in the arms of Jesus. The feelings and urges may not go away, but you can stand up under them.

Maybe this is the better approach: to share the love and hospitality of Jesus in such a way that when people encounter you, they encounter Jesus. And when they encounter Jesus, they encounter the radical grace and love which calls us all to go and sin no more, and gives us a chance at a new start: over and over again. Every time we sin, every time we confess, every time we worship God, every time we come to the Lord's Table in the Eucharist.

So what kind of opinion is that? Probably conservative, but I don't want the label, so keep it. Frankly, I only hope that I'm reflecting the opinion of Jesus. That's whose opinion really matters to me, and He's the only one to whom I would in a heart beat. And frankly, if my opinion ever changes, it is because Jesus changed something in me.

Geeze, for someone who doesn't have an answer, I think I just gave one. Still, to me, the whole amazing thing about Christianity is the encounter of God's grace and mercy. Thankfully, He has enough of that to forgive us when we miss sharing that grace and love with others, or when we miss the mark on the kind of life God calls us to live.

Goodnight and the peace of Christ be with you all!